The older I get, the more I realize that opening up makes things worse.

MtF genderfluid here

The more feminine I have become, the more acceptable it is for me to show emotional vulnerability. The more people genuinely listen to me and not treat me like a disgusting animal they are hesitantly entertaining until they can get away.

When I lived as a cis man not even my friends wanted to hear it, and they are good people.

When a man cries in front of his partner for the first time, usually a switch will flip, and that partner will never look at you the same way again. Being vulnerable with even your closest relationships often feels like a mistake.

Men don’t talk about their feelings because almost nobody in society has empathy for others, especially if you are more masculine, especially if you “look scary”.

The experience being a man is isolating and dehumanizing by default.

I never had a problem expressing my feelings because I am secure in myself. Men who fear showing their emotions tend to be young and insecure. Young men get fed so much bullshit about how they should live their lives and carry themselves from all angles.

You have the “progressive” and feminist types try to shame you for being a man and they try to pretend that it’s some sort of defect to overcome. The “macho” and misogynist types try to convince you that your gender is a point of pride and that you should double down on the stereotypes they approve of. You have the “traditional” types that try to instill the idea that being a man is a like a job with specific roles that you have to fulfill to qualify. There’s many more types, but the point is that you’re getting constantly bombarded by all these nonsensical, contradictory, and misinformed ideas about how you must live your life. It’s not wonder young men are having an identity crises.

In reality, all these people are full of shit. Masculinity is not a role and it’s not a stereotype, it’s a state of being. You’re masculine because you are a man. Everything that you do is masculine because that’s what masculinity is, it’s the behavior of men. You being yourself is masculine. There’s no need to live to some misguided ideal or rigid standard set upon you by others. You’re masculine whether others approve of it or not.

As it happens to be, men are humans, and humans have emotions. It is perfectly natural and healthy for men to express their emotions as they fit. If you’re sad cry, if you’re upset be mad, if you’re filled with joy then be happy, if you’re anxious then be afraid. There’s no shame in expressing yourself or being vulnerable. These are things that make people interesting and deep. If someone takes issue with that then they’re the ones with the problem, not you. If someone can’t handle you for you then they’re not even worth your time. At least that’s how I see things.

I feel comfortable expressing them, but I see others get uncomfortable when I’m expressing them.

When people tell men “you can tell me anything” what they mean is “I don’t want to feel like you’re keeping things from me.”

It 100% does NOT mean “you will face no negative consequences for telling me.”

Men keep some things to themselves because sharing feelings has resulted in getting burned too many times.

These things aren’t necessarily bad. They might just shatter exciting illusions the other person prefered over the ordinary truth.

Yes. But I’m a therapist, so….

Yes, and it feels like it would be easier if I was feminine. However, it is so broad of a topic and depends on how it is met. Many people meet and respect and even appreciate it, but the difference would be that for women it is more normalised and focus becomes on the actual feeling, not on the circumstances and therefore it may feel more accepted and validated to be that way then. I don’t think it’s a big effect, and it would also vary extremely much depending on culture.

I think its a maturity thing for guys. My gym buddies and I were talking about mental health a while back and I said “I was on meds for a while because I had an irrational sense that life wasnt worth living. A year later on the meds I was fat, unmotivated and had erectile dysfunction and I was like ‘Great, now I have legitimate reasons to think about killing myself’ so I came off the pills.”

The 20 somethings all looked super fucking uncomfortable, the thirty somethings nodded and made sympathetic faces and the other 40+ guy said “How are you doing with it these days?” Of course I immediately deflected and said “Oh its hard as a rock” which got the laugh and broke the tension. But the only guy who didnt duck the conversation was the guy of a similar age who had a rough divorce years before I knew him…

I think I’m emotionally stunted from years of repressing my feelings. I don’t feel that strongly about most things. A lot of people will comment about how stoic and quiet I am, but it’s not like there’s really too much to express. When I am “upset”, it’s usually because I’m exhausted or hungry.

That being said, in times of catastrophic events (deaths, break ups, etc), I might get upset. But I tend to be very good at expressing myself with words. I take my time and choose them carefully, so much so that sometimes other people will think that im being silent; im not, I’m thinking about all the ways this could play out depending on what I say.

Crying only happens quietly, to myself, maybe once a year, and usually because of some dumb kids movie that gets to me. I think the last one was Puss in Boots: The Last Wish.

I struggle on two fronts with this - I don’t want to “burden” others with how I feel, and fairly often I don’t know what I feel.

Grew up in the American Midwest as a preacher’s kid. My parents are awesome people, but Dad’s job meant our family had to seem close to perfect for small town political reasons - we had their support for any kind of crisis, but we had to keep it inside the house so our single limited income wasn’t threatened.

Between that and a family full of neurospiciness, it felt like we were always on the edge of catastrophe. I was generally able to get by day to day, so I just kept quiet so we all had room to deal with whatever else needs handled.

So, I think I got in the habit of bottling things until I couldn’t even tell what I was feeling, and also developed an aversion to sharing what I could tell was bothering me. I’m open to the idea of sharing things, I just can’t often tell what needs shared until it pops out unexpectedly.

No. I keep pretty much everything to myself. I am convinced that no good can come of me expressing any of my emotions. I need to be a rock. I allow myself a few minutes of crying when a relative dies.

Female here. I like to keep my feelings private. If something is wrong, you won’t know until after the nervous breakdown.

Depends on the person. I am definitely more expressive than your average man, but it’s all strategic. I use my openness as a distraction from the feelings I keep hidden. It’s sleight of hand but emotions. I’ve been hurt way, way too many times by being open about the wrong things.

I cry all the time, dawg.

I will express my feelings with words no problem. I can cry under certain circumstances and in front of certain people. But I won’t do so in front of others, though I think it has to do with me not being used to do so, more than feeling that is not a masculine thing to do.

Like farting. You know your farting audience.