Fuck Ted Cruz.

“The secret playbook” a novel by Ted Cruz.

Teddy loved football, but wasn’t very good at it. He thought he could never help his college football team win the big game. Then one day Coach Thick caught Teddy sniffing used jock straps and introduced him to the rest of the boys. Now that Teddy is the new “tight end” in the locker room, he can finally prove he is the Most Valuable Pussy.

If politicians were that busy taking care of their actual job of representing their voters, things would probably be way better in the US. Regardless of party affiliacion.

Cruz said, "there are many, many wonderful, wonderful working men and women in the state of New York, but everyone understands that the values in New York City are socially liberal or pro-abortion or pro- gay-marriage, [and] focus around money and the media.”

Said the podcast host who is begging billionaires for money. Fuck this waste of skin.

I’m pretty sure I know what his play book said, based on his career up to this point…

Step 1: be a total shitheel in college so everyone there hates you.

Step 2: enter politics through family connections, but make sure to lie about your name so you sound more Caucasian and win over your racist voter base.

Step 3: grandstand so much over stupid shit that you become the target of meme conspiracies.

Step 4: run for the presidency against a vindictive, malignant narcissist conman. Make sure to disparage him at every turn to try to make yourself look better.

Step 5: grovel and ingratiate yourself into abject humiliation to said vindictive malignant narcissist conman when he beats you to the party nomination and unleashes political hell on you (and calls your wife ugly).

Step 6: become despised by your own children for continuing to be a total shitheel and a failure of a parent.

Step 7: run away to Cancun during an emergency and when your constituents need you most. Side note: make sure to drag your kids there with you in case it makes them hate you any less. (Spoiler alert: they will just hate you even more for doing that, but oh well!)

Step 8: align yourself with the lunatic fringe of your party, even though they despise you and mock you behind your back.

Step 9: cling on desperately to your current political office for the rest of your pathetic career, knowing you have already peaked and that nobody outside some gullible constituents currently or will ever like or respect you.

Play #1: Fly to Cancún

Play #2: ???

Spoiler alert:

https://www.tedcruzforhumanpresident.com/

This is only what they assume it to be. They are still having issues deciphering his weird lizard man script.